It has come to my attention that a large segment of the male population in these United States is unaware of basic urinal etiquette, so I thought I’d offer my assistance. I was inspired to write this post about a week ago when I noticed a urinal here in Oklahoma covered in a disturbing quantity of kinky, black pubic hair:

Now I’m not entirely sure why anyone would need to fluff out loose pubes in a public restroom, but I’m confident the arguments in favor of pube graffiti are unconvincing. So let’s go ahead and make that rule #1.

1.) Don’t put your pubes in the urinal, or on the urinal lip. You fucking morons.

A few days ago, I encountered three more violations of proper urinal conduct, all in the same stall. The first thing I noticed was a bunch of broken sunflower shells strewn everywhere. There were a couple stuck to the flush handle, some on top of the urinal, some down with the cake, others on the lip and floor.

It looked like someone with an exceptionally large mouth had suffered a violent seizure while simultaneously pissing and munching an entire bag of seeds. In the same stall, there were three pieces of pink chewing gum, balled up and mangled like brain tissue from much chewing, and a wadded up paper towel containing half of what appeared to be an oatmeal raisin cookie. This leads me to rules #2, #3, and #4:

2.) Don’t spit sunflower seeds in, on, or under the urinal.
3.) Don’t spit your wadded-up, grey-matter chewing gum in, on, or under the urinal. Also refrain from placing chewing gum statues in the urinal.

4.) Do not, under any circumstances, throw your paper-towel-wrapped oatmeal raisin cookies in the urinal. You fucking morons.

Oh, and another common error I’ve observed on more than one occasion:

5.) Do not shit in the urinal. Shit goes in the other one. Or on Dick Cheney’s doorstep.

Honestly, to delineate all of the things you shouldn’t do in a urinal would take an infinite quantity of time. All of these rules can be summed up under this elegant imperative:

***Do Not Put Anything in the Urinal Except Your Own Urine***

I think I’m going to print up a few copies of this post and stick them above the stalls at my job. I will bring light to these savages yet.